One year ago, an unwelcome guest arrived, abruptly and unannounced. She broke through my door and entered with the most piercing noise! She rudely entered into every space around and recklessly tore down my carefully constructed walls of safety and security. She demanded my immediate attention … refusing to be ignored. Her name is Grief, and she would stay … indefinitely.

We had met before. In fact, we had met on a few occasions. Somehow, I had forgotten about her, and I didn’t think our paths would cross again for years to come. But this visit was very different. This visit was sinister. She had an ominous presence that would haunt me for a while.

Grief would envelop me; she was suffocating! She exhausted my every breath and kept me gasping for air. She appeared the minute my alarm went off in the morning, bringing a deep longing from the dreams I had about him the night before. She showed up at every meal, stealing my appetite. She was next to me every night, drenching my pillow and robbing me of sleep. My thoughts were consumed by her dark and depressed mood. I tried to push her away, pretending not to notice her looming presence. I kept busy. I had to! I had to keep moving forward …”we have a 10-year-old!!” I screamed. But she didn’t seem to hear. She just chased me – relentlessly. And when she caught me, she waited quietly in the corner for my next move. She made herself very comfortable in my home, tainting every bit of space around me with her heaviness and despair.

Grief became my shadow, following my every move. I tried to hide from her, avoid her, shake her off, tune her out, dodge her, skirt around her … but she mocked every attempt. She was a constant reminder of the searing pain. Unbearable pain – crippling at times. She would turn brief moments of joy into bittersweet memories tainted with profound sorrow. No matter how hard I tried to run, she was right around the corner.

And then one day, I gave up. Grief won. I had no choice but to surrender to her ways. She insisted that I walk through her. She walked me down some very long corridors that were filled with frustration and fear, doubt and confusion, anger, insecurity, apathy and deep, deep regret. She gave permission to feel all of the unwanted feelings, and said it was time to confront the unpleasant parts of the journey. She assured me it was necessary. And I believed her, began to trust her, and started to face each one. It wasn’t easy. It made no sense. Not at all! We struggled for days and weeks and months … dancing through each one. It was like a torture chamber at times. Every part of my body ached, and I felt dizzy most of the time. And over time, she reminded me that we were “on the right track.” That there was purpose in all of this. And that I was not alone.

Grief encouraged me to look up and witness the world around me in all its joy and sorrows. She would gently whisper, “you’re not alone” and “take your time.” She validated my experience. She reminded me I am human, capable of feeling profound emotions. That those emotions are an indicator. A barometer that measures the depth of love that would bring an equally measured depth of pain. That the degree to which one feels the pain is the degree to which they felt joy in that relationship. That the pain is there to teach us, so He can reach us, that we may extend ourselves in the pain of others. Sigh.

Grief was making sense again. We learned to coexist, and she gradually became a sort of friend. Not that I fully embraced her, but I did accept her. I recognized her role in shaping who I am and who I was to become. We finally made peace. And over time I settled into a new normal with Grief by my side. She is still very close to me today.

Most importantly, Grief reminded me of the greatest thing of all! That this life is but a vapor (James 4:14) and a greater life is yet to come (John 14:3). That the most important things aren’t things. Grief has once again expanded my perspective exponentially. She brought out the lenses to see the eternal rather than the temporal. To focus on my forever home. She reminds me to store up treasures in Heaven (Matthew 6:20) for they are what matter most. She set my priorities straight – to pursue things that are meaningful, purposeful. She clarified the eternal value of forgiveness and reconciliation in relationships and to care for each one around me. She deepened by appreciation for the beautiful life I have and the countless blessings all around me (Ephesians 5:20). That each day is a gift from God (James 1:17).

What’s next? Well, I anticipate there will be more time spent with Grief. She will continue to appear in every memory. And I will learn to focus on the good. I choose Joy and I choose life. But not just any life. I choose the life that God promises through his son, Jesus (John 3:16). Eternal life. And I choose to live the best one possible. To be a blessing to God and to those around me. To love and to serve. To raise my sweet boy and remind him of daddy’s sweet spirit along the journey, celebrating his life with our love for him and each other. To keep my eyes fixed on the prize that is in the One who is the giver of life (Philippians 3:14). To share the good news that there is Hope in Grief.

_{Honoring our beloved Brett who is celebrating 1-year in Eternity this May 2024.}